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詼諧爆笑英語笑話
最希望得到的簽名
Our university newspaper runs a weekly question feature. Recently, the question was: "Whose autograph would you most want to have, and why?" As expected, most responses mentioned music or sports stars, or politicians. The best response came from a freshman, who said, "The person who signs my diploma."
我們大學的校報開辦了一個每周一問的專欄。上周的問題是：“你最想要什么人的簽名?為什么?”和預計的一樣，大部分的回答都是歌星、體育明星或者政治家。但是，最優秀的答案來自一個一年級新生，他說：“在我畢業證上簽字的那個人。”
記得這幾天不要抽煙
A much worried patient walked into doctor's office asking for help: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. I accidentally drank a bottle of gasoline yesterday!"
"Oh, Don't worry! All you have to remember is not to smoke in the next few days!" The doctor replied.
候診室里坐著一位憂心忡忡的病人，當醫生傳喚他時，他滿面愁容的說：“醫生，怎么辦?我昨天誤喝下一瓶汽油!”
醫生回答他說：“喔，沒關系啦!記得這幾天不要抽煙!”
最丑的孩子?
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
一位女士抱著她的寶寶上公交車，司機看到后說：“額，那是我這輩子見過的最丑的小孩。”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
女士走到車廂后面坐下，感到很憤怒。她對旁邊的男士說：“司機剛剛羞辱了我。”男士回應說：“你快上去斥責他。去吧，我替你抱著你的猴子。”
成功的關鍵
One day a father was teaching his son and said, "The keys to your success are keeping your word and cleverness. Once you give somebody a promise, you must carry it out on matter what will happen. This is called 'keeping one's words.'"
"What is cleverness?" asked his son.
"Cleverness is that you'll never make such a promise," the father answered.
一天，父親教育兒子說：“一個人成功的關鍵就是嚴守諾言和足夠聰明。一旦你給了別人承諾，無論發生什么事，你都得實現它，這個就叫‘守諾言’。”
兒子問：“那么什么是聰明呢?”
父親回答：“聰明就是任何時候都別做這樣的承諾。”
一分鐘一百萬
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second."
一男子進入教堂和上帝對話.他問:"主啊, 一百萬美元對你意味著多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又問:"那一百萬年呢?"上帝說:"一秒鐘."最后男子請求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士嗎?"上帝回答:"過一秒鐘."
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