雅思作文修改例解
注：一篇學(xué)生的習(xí)作，里面出現(xiàn)的問題，尤其是首段出現(xiàn)的問題很值得各位烤鴨注意。
希望大家看完原文的開頭之后，應(yīng)該思考我們課堂上所講的文章開頭的背景交代的'改寫方法。
Topic: In many countries people no longer wear their national costumes. They are forgetting their history and traditions, more people should be encouraged to wear their national costumes everyday. Do you agree or disagree.
原文：
In this day and age, as a pace of social development, a various kinds of clothes are winning tremendous popularity in some countries. But in the meantime, it has drawn a great deal of attention to the problem that whether more people should be encouraged to wear national clothes everyday. As far as I am concerned, people should not wear them per day.
In the first place, it is generally acknowledge that traditional clothes of some countries are unconvenient for national residents to work. It is a fact that some of their costumes, such as kimono of Japan,cheongsam of china and Korea-style cothes, they are too long and big to work. In particular policemen and doctors,these careers are hard to be done if they are wearing such clothes.
In the second place, not wearing national costumes doesnot mean their citizens forgetting their history and traditions. Some countries’ history and traditions are still studied by young children. Take Japanese as an example, they always knee down when they are eating meals.
Finally, clothes should be kept abreast with step of social development. The style of clothes can mirror the custom in a period of time in a country. Dr. Wang who especialize in sociey assessment supported this view in a paper. And he said that people living in this fast-pace society should wear neat clothes which are conveninet when they are working.
To sum up, I completely disagree with wiew that people wear the national clothes everyday in the current society. In my opinion, with amount of colthes into our lives,our daily lives should be colorful and fashionable.
點(diǎn)評(píng)：
1. 原文開頭模板痕跡比較明顯，而且未能將背景信息交代清楚。應(yīng)該按照課上所講審題步驟理清文章的習(xí)作思路：即，BI(Background information)+WT(writing tasks)。因此，首段應(yīng)該交代好背景信息和自己的觀點(diǎn)（已交代）。
2.原文中部分句子之間的Cohesion出現(xiàn)問題。如， “Some countries’ history and traditions are still studied by young children.” 是對(duì)上句的佐證，需加入對(duì)比聯(lián)系詞in fact/ on the contrary
3. 文章多次出現(xiàn)單詞拼寫錯(cuò)誤，希望引起足夠重視。
4. 文章最后可以在分析不必要性之后，提出消除人們擔(dān)心的辦法。
修改：
In this day and age, with the pace of social development, clothes with various styles are winning tremendous popularity in some countries, where national costumes, on the contrary, are not as fashionable as before. Consequently, some people advocate that more people should wear them every day. However, as far as I am concerned, it is unnecessary for everyone to wear those clothes each day.
In the first place, it is generally acknowledge that traditional clothes of some countries are inconvenient for national residents to wear in work time. It is a fact that some of their costumes, such as kimono of Japan, cheongsam of china and Korea-style clothes, are too long and big to work. Take policemen and doctors as an example, apparently enough, individuals in these fields can hardly carry out their daily work if wearing such clothes. Actually, there are numerous illustrations like this.
In the second place, not wearing national costumes does not mean that citizens are forgetting their history and traditions. In fact, in shcools the countries’ history is still studied, meanwhile traditions are inherited by the young generations. For instance, in Japan, people, whether the aged or the young, always knee down when eating meals, which has been regarded as one of the traditional customes.
Finally, clothes should be kept abreast with the step of social development. The style of clothes can mirror the custom in a period of time in a country. Dr. Wang, a well-known scholar who specializes in society assessment, supportes this view in his paper. And he claims that people living in this fast-pace society should wear neat clothes, which are convenient when working.
To sum up, I completely disagree with the view that people should wear the national clothes every day in current society. In my opinion, with various clothes of different styles coming into our lives, national costumes can be enriched or developed to a new scale. Additionally, to avoid the extinction of traditions, people should be encouraged to wear their national costumes in leisure time and during the traditional festivals.
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